Holy Cannoli! Trump and Zelensky's Vatican Vibes
Papal Plot Twists, JD-Bag, Grab your popcorn
Things the media won’t show you. In a ludicrous power play, Diaper Donny the Orange Gas Bag squeezed into the Pope's lavish wardrobe, the golden mitre wobbling atop his spray-tanned head like a lopsided crown. Draped in papal robes that clashed hilariously with his orange glow, he even puffed out his chest, trying to spook Volodymyr Zelenskiy with his holy getup. Zelenskiy, in a plain suit, looked like he’d just seen a sewer clown, his wide eyes screaming “What the heck, at least change your diaper, bruh,” he continued, “It’s not the smell, it’s the burning of the eyes!”
I mean, c’mon Trump wouldn’t return top secret, highly, classified documents so you know he was rummaging around in the Pope’s things and playing baby dress up.
Is any of this normal?
Am I the only one deeply disturbed that Trump would meet with Zelensky at the Vatican? Is that normal? It feels all kinds of wrong to me. Pope Francis just passed. Millions around the world are still mourning. Picture this: St. Peter’s Basilica—a marble-laden hotspot where world leaders gather to mourn Pope Francis, who just took his final bow. In one corner, we’ve got U.S. President Orange Gas Bag, hair defying gravity, dumb enough to believe he can broker peace like it’s a real estate deal. In the other, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, probably wishing he’d stayed home. Their mission? A 15-minute heart-to-heart to end Russia’s war in Ukraine. What unfolded was less “Kumbaya” and more “Real Housewives of Geopolitics.”
The two sat close, whispering like high schoolers passing notes, while the Vatican’s holy vibes tried to keep things chill. Trump bitched a few times about not being granted permission to use the Papal throne. “I don’t want to sit in the little chairs like a peasant!” Zelensky, ever the optimist, ignored most of Donny’s tantrums, and called it a “symbolic” meeting that could be “historic” if it leads to peace. Translation: “Please, let this not be another shouting match.” Trump, meanwhile, was pushing for a ceasefire” The White House dubbed it “very productive,” but we all know that’s code for either, “nobody threw a chair” or “we got absolutely nowhere.”
Flashback to their February 2025 Oval Office clash, where Trump and Zelensky went at it like alley cats in a sack, with Vice President JD (Skull & Bones) Vance playing hype man. Fast-forward to Rome, and they’re trying to play nice, but the tension is thicker than the basilica’s walls. Trump’s been nudging Moscow and Kyiv to kiss and make up, while Zelensky’s like, “I want peace, but not if it means giving Pootie my backyard.” Everyone calls Vlad, Pootie, by the way. The meeting ended with Zelensky posting on Telegram, all smiles and “thank you, Trump!”—but we’re not buying the buddy act. And all this taking place at the Vatican?
Just days before, on Easter Sunday, JD-bag Vance, met Pope Francis. They exchanged Easter eggs and awkward smiles, despite the Pope slamming Trump’s immigration policies as a “disgrace.” Vance, unfazed, coughed all over him, shook the Pope’s hand, Hey now, no one should touch the Pope. In fact JD shouldn’t be allowed to touch anyone hahaha. That is how you can poison someone to death (read up on the Borgias and cantarella, a slow acting poison). JD leaned on medieval theology to justify the border crackdown, because nothing says 2025 like a 13th-century comeback. Welcome to the new Dark Ages!
Then—plot twist—Pope Francis kicks the bucket less than 24 hours later. Coincidence? You decide. Further reading: Research whether JD is Opus Dei. Will Francis be replaced by a far right radical?? If you remember, Pope Francis replaced an actual Nazi who was forced to “step down” (now known as Pope Emeritus). The rabbit hole ain’t all that deep in this case.
In the end, it seems that Trump and Zelensky’s Vatican rendezvous was less about peace and more about keeping the drama alive. Add Vance to the mix and the Pope’s untimely exit, and you’ve got a geopolitical telenovela with enough twists to make M. Night Shyamalan jealous. Peace in Ukraine? Maybe next episode. Doesn’t it feel like we are living in a dystopian reality show?
Much love,
Mitch - In A Dark Time
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Well, yes, we all knew Dirty Diaper Boy would find a way to make it all about him. A sociopath can do nothing else.
Thank you for the reminder that Francis’s predecessor was in both the Hitler Youth and the Wermacht … a plot twist no more convoluted than The Shoes of the Fisherman.